Mum

This is my dear mother and her creepy boss from a while back. I love this photo of mum.

Lazy day

Woke up this morning sick as, with a very painful sore throat full of crap :-( so I decided to take some of the Keflex antibiotics Julz gave me ages ago. Apparently, that was a good decision.

Julz came over after she finished work tonight and gave me some more, as well as some other stuff. Great having a Dr as a sister, but it's a shame she is not walking in God's will. She is actually a great doctor and has a very caring, compassionate heart for sick people. Imagine the impact if she was submitted to God! One day she will be. Amen.

Julz asked me if I wanted some photo machine for Christmas or something else, so I said something else and suggested she buy me thermals. Funny thing is, she didn't question why I wanted thermals when the weather is warming up and we are heading into summer! Anyone in their right mind would surely question my motives. I wouldn't have told her about USA anyway. It's too early and I still have not heard back from IHOP.

Today, I just relaxed at home. I had no desire to leave home, seeing I was drugged up and feeling drowsy and not 100%. Instead, I mopped the floors, cleaned the surfaces, did a few loads of washing, typed up scriptures I like, did some prayer, did a bit of Net surfing, talked to Rob when he came and got some money off me for mowing Dave's lawn, talked to Kristin about her housemate who isn't paying rent and ate some food. That's about it really.

Funny, I have buggerall loose money yet I'm not feeling that stressed at all. I have had a $500 car insurance bill sitting on my table for the last week, and i've been thinking of all these things to sell in order to pay it and this morning I did my usual confessing of Scriptures and some were about calling finances into my life and having bills paid and today God supplied my needs.... He just totally rocks!

Cutting soul ties

Gosh I love my little niece so much and I can feel how much she loves me. It hurts so much that I have to say goodbye again to her and I can't explain why I'm going because she is so young she doesn't understand. It makes it harder because she also loves her grandma and her grandma's dogs and because Julz and mum don't talk to each other, Angel can't see them while I am away. It hurts thinking she will not be able to come to this house again, or if she comes, her little heart will be sad because I wont be in it....but instead far far away on the other side of the world.

My heart just feels so sad tonight. It is such a huge sacrifice to follow God's will for my life, but I really believe I am meant to go. I feel really unhappy remaining in Perth. In contrast when I think about Kansas City, I can hardly contain the excitement.... yet these ties to my family hurt me so much. I feel like this is such a huge leap for me - to let go of everything familiar, sell everything of value, pack up my house and go to a city where I don't know a single person on the other side of the world and I can barely contact my family because they don't have skype, don't answer their phones, hardly use email ...they are just so busy caught up in their lives. Why is my life so hard? Why do I have to have such a different call to everyone I know?

Somehow the sacrifices, the challenges, the trials, the hardships will all be worth it. The best days are yet to come.

Sadness

Last night after I had tucked Gabs into bed, I sat up doing my confessions book and praying. I was thinking about how sweet and innocent Gabby is and how vulnerable kids are at that age.

Suddenly, I had two flashbacks of my time in Mexico. One was of a little blonde girl who was walking with some Mexican men - it was something I couldn't help noticing because the majority of people in Mexico are dark, so anyone blonde catches your eye. I wondered why she was with these men and where her parents were. Then the other image I remember is of a little Mexican girl, about the same young age, being dragged along the road crying, by a rough druggie-looking guy. Both these girls brought sorrow and grief to my heart because I felt the Lord was saying both were victims of child trafficking, which is huge in Mexico. My team mates were totally oblivious to them.

I found myself praying for each girl, then Gabby and Angelina. I had tears streaming down my face. They were heart-felt prayers. The flashbacks caught me by surprise because my mind has been so set on preparing for IHOP I haven't had any for a while.

Babysitting a princess

Last night I babysat Gabby because Annette had some fancy wedding reception to attend and being a single mum, doesn't get a chance to get out much, so I took pity on her. I was feeling pretty crook with a sore throat, but went out of my way to bless them both.

• Gabby and I started the night by taking communion. I was amazed that this little 5 yr old closed her eyes and listened intently to my prayers and waited for my cue to take the elements.
• Then we ate lasagne for dinner, which Annette provided, and then I cut up some mangoes, which Julz brought over.
• Then I prepared a bubble bath for her and did her hair up afterwards with leave-in conditioner and some and Angel's hair lackies. I got her to brush her teeth and I cut her finger and toe nails.
• Then we watched King George and his ducky (a veggietale about selfishness) and Gabby ate some cookies.
• Then I got her to brush her teeth again before watching Lord of the Beans (another veggietale, but about the gifts God gives us). I had to stop this partway through because her bed time, 8.30pm, came up!
• Then I took her to my spare bed, popped her in, put some of Angel's lovely moisturiser on her feet and hands, said prayers with her, then tucked her into bed with a heated lamb toy, which I gave her. She fell asleep pretty much straight away!

Later when Annette came home, I made her some lemon and ginger tea and we sat up talking until about 11.30pm. Then I told her to sleep over, seeing her baby was asleep and it was so late, so she did. They just left at about 6.45am!

IHOP

It's now 2.5 weeks since I felt God told me about IHOP..... and twelve weeks until I leave Oz. I wish IHOP would hurry up with the interview process, so I can then apply for a visa and book my flights....and tell my family.

Today I had a closer look at the weekly schedule at IHOP. Wow, it actually looks really intense, with 50 contact hours, including commitments on at night and on the weekend. I don't see much time to shop for groceries and do laundry, etc..

Proof of studies

Well I finally got my UWA and VLIBTC certificates sorted and mailed into IHOP. I also sent an email to YWAM and although they were unable to give me the certificate because Anders is still overseas, they typed me up a sufficient letter for me and emailed it to me. Brilliant! I also worked out how to create PDF files and then convert the PDF documents into jpeg images, which is really handy, hence how I got this lovely image below :-)

Another day

Well today I drove to Kristin's folks' house again specifically to collect my university and bible college certificates because IHOP sent me an email saying they would not proceed with my application until i emailed those through! ....and Kristin's folks went a bit nuts loading up my car with junk and I went with them to w/o walls and had a nice time, then went home with them, then had lunch with them and showed them the IHOP video, then talked to Kristin a bit, then went home, got home and realised I left the certificates at their house! Doh!!! How frustrating. I have to go back there again tomorrow now.

I also went for a run around Stirling. I have been really curious to know how long it would take me to run to the train station. Well now I know - it takes about 15 minutes.

I ran there, sat in the Stirling gardens for five minutes, and then ran back. Boy, I am no longer as fit as I used to be. The short running trip totally wore me out. I still look thin, in fact I think my waist is thinner now, but I made a horrible discovery the other day - the part of my leg between my knee and hip now has cellulite! How the heck did that get there. It sure isn't welcome anywhere on my body, so I intend to get rid of it ASAP.

Sheltered beneath His wings

Last night I saw a man in a dream. He was outside my house and angrily banging on the door, really loudly. BANG BANG BANG. He was frustrated he could not get to me. I was safe inside. I am not sure why but I feel as though someone linked to me through Facebook, or rather the devil behind them, has wrong motives against me. I am not even sure why. I think my decision to deactivate my account was a wise one, until I get to Kansas City. It is not necessarily a man. The dream was merely symbolic. Interesting. I guess when a Christian is not totally submitted to God, they allow the devil to get a foothold into their lives and he uses them.

I am such a dill - it turns out I can actually start in April 2011 and do the next phase of the internship in the adjacent season. Urrrrgh, why was I in such a hurry.

Lunch with the munchkins

Had lunch with Julz today and the babies. Gosh, I have the cutest niece and nephew ever. 1/4 Eurasian kids are gorgeous!

Another day

Been feeling quite emotional at nights. Last night i crashed at mum's house because I took her shopping and felt so tired afterwards, I didn't feel like driving home. She looked me in the face this morning and told me whenever she looks at me, my eyes look swollen and thinks the hayfever must be really bad. I don't even get hayfever. It's because i've been bawling my eyes out thinking about how I can't even tell my family I am leaving. It breaks my heart and I just feel so sad about the whole thing, how my family is so broken and how I am the link between mum and Julz and how Angel clings to me and wont have a play home here anymore because I am letting go of the house. Somehow I have to let go of them all in order to spend time with God and then He will fix up everything that concerns me. Why do some people have it so easy, being born into wonderful caring loving families where everything is stable and functional.

Done!

Posted my application today by fast post, guaranteed to get to USA in two to four days. It was not cheap - $42.45!!!

My car is loaded up now with books and bookshelves. Going to start moving a few things to Kristin's folks' house today. Going over there for dinner tonight. Bless their hearts.

New house

Had a chat to Kristin's mum today and she said I am welcome to start moving stuff into her house tomorrow. Oh what a huge blessing and what a relief. She said she will adopt me as her daughter and cook me meals. Why do some people have such great families, while others have the hardest, most challenging and dysfunctional ones.

I found out last night that I would need to be at IHOP 14 January 2011, because the internship I want to do has two phases. If I commence 8 April 2011, then I would have to wait until the following year to do the other half of the internship. If I commence 14 January 2011, then I can do the second phase of the internship starting 8 April 2011. That makes more sense. Maybe that's why God told me so early (3wks later), seeing I was not expecting to hear from Him about direction for my life until at least two months had passed after Mexico.

I am excited but scared at the same time. Julz asked me to have coffee with her this Thursday - maybe that's God setting up a special time for me to tell her. Oh I really don't want her to freak out. Lord I commit my meeting with Julz to you. She only just told me yesterday how much she appreciates me and how i'm the only family member she feels close to. I feel so bad for the impact my move may have on Angelina - it breaks my heart to think of her coming to an empty house and feeling sad I am no longer around for so long. Somehow I have to let go.

Then there's mum. I love her so much, but it is so hard relating to her and she lives alone and has cut off so many people from her life because she doesn't trust them. Fear has affected her life and it increases as she watches the news and reads the papers. One day she will be set free... I cannot imagine her digesting my move to the other side of the world too well :-( Then there's my gorgeous Marshall who I love so much. Oh, too hard to fathom it all.

Somehow the sacrifices will be worth it as I put my trust in God and obey Him.

Application completed

So I have done everything within my ability to do now on the application. This is the photo of myself that I pasted into the application. I typed up my responses to their questions last night and printed them out at Officeworks and then I got the bank to stamp a form saying I had adequate finances to support my studies. I am now just waiting for Ps Judy and Tammy to finish their pastoral and personal references about me, which they'll give back to me on the weekend (fingers crossed).

Today I had the brainwave of advertising to sell some of my stuff on the Quokka. It's free and much less time consuming than eBay.

Acceleration

Funny how one encounter with someone in the wrong frame of mind can suddenly motivate you. Today Julz rang me up and made no logical sense in accusing me of mistreating Angelina. I was so shocked and had no idea what she was talking about. My niece loves me and she means the world to me. Why in the world would I do that? It just goes to show how stressed and overworked she is. She is definitely not thinking straight because her speech made no sense to me whatsoever. It only made me realise how much I need to get over to IHOP and pray up a storm with like-minded believers.

Mum also had a go at me today about finances and what I was doing with my life and she sent me a horrible jumbled email, which she also sent to Julz. Maybe that's what got Julz so worked up. I am really hoping it didn't make it through, though, because mum accidentally missed off the first letter of her email address. Please dear Lord don't let it get to Julz.

So the process of clearing out my unit has accelerated and I am now going to type up my testimony and response to other things they asked.

Gday

No blog for ages, now posting overkill! Ha!

Well last night I had a dream I got into a car with two very attractive people, a guy and a girl who looked like models, but who were actors. They were dressed up as batman and batgirl and removed their face masks as I sat down. I knew they were a couple, though not married. The girl told me she disliked Christians and then asked me if I was one. As I opened my mouth, words came out and I found myself saying that I embrace Christian values and I stand up for integrity and purity and righteousness.... the more I spoke, I could see the two people were softening to me and it was like I had special favor with them. I was confident and bold and my desire was to lead them to salvation. Where did that come from?!?!?!

Today I had a dear friend from Bible college over for lunch - Helen and her two daughters. I really enjoyed talking to Helen. We are like-minded and it was nice to hang out with her. I made them pastry triangles filled with chicken, cashews, garlic, mushrooms and spring onions, served with a fresh salad. Then I baked them an apricot pie. It was absolutely delicious.

Well I feel great about IHOP - I finally feel I have a sense of vision. Strangely, I am finding it really difficult to motivate myself to finish the application though. Helen watched the IHOP promo video and a couple of their prayer room worship songs and said she could see me there, that it was me!

Kristin sent me a text today saying she wanted to meet up with me to pray over soul ties she had with Christine and Tim because she was finding it really hard getting over their friendships. Funny, I found myself advising her it was not a soul tie issue, but rather comparable to when we have friends or parts of us that don't bear fruit and they are pruned out of our lives - like a branch on a tree that doesn't bear fruit is cut and the remaining tree needs to heal. It hurts because they were things we held close to our hearts and no matter how much we try to cut soul ties, we really just need time to recover. Kristin thanked me for my advice and said she really appreciated it. I was a bit surprised myself actually - it had to be God's advice, not mine! I was like, where did that come from?!?!?

Born ready!

So today I officially commenced the application process for IHOP. I had a closer look at the information they put on their website and it turns out that as interns, you are not allowed to have a part-time job. I emailed the office and they said they are willing to pick you up from the airport for a nominal fee and also to help you with finding another international student to share accommodation. I figure that's the cheaper option and if I can live with 23 people in a house in Mexico and 20 girls in one bedroom in Australia for three months each, then I can handle sharing a two-bedroom unit with one person in America! I think I would rather share a house than live alone.

Ps Judy agreed to be my pastoral referee and now I am looking for a personal referee. I was hoping for Wendy, but I know she is moving house at the moment and things are pretty crazy for her now. I guess I will just wait because I don't know who else to ask.

It says on the website that they require you to submit your application three months before you intend to do the internship, so I will have to apply for the April 2011 start date. When I think about that, it is actually much more reasonable anyway, because January 2011 would be too soon for mum and Julz to digest and April 2011 gives me ample time to plan and save more money. God is so good to me. I have already stashed up half of fees in a telenet savings account.

I am planning on walking into Woodside and asking for some temp work next week. I dunno why, I just keep getting that company name in my mind. Is it me or the Holy Spirit? Well, I'll see.

I am going to sell my beloved rollerblades on eBay.

IHOP

Last night I spoke to Ps Judy and Ps Anne about IHOP. They were really excited about it and said if they were able, they would go. Apparently the prayer tour to South Korea was cancelled and Ps Anne was saying they felt maybe they should be planning to go to IHOP in Kansas City instead. She said IHOP are planning a conference in Perth next year, which is very exciting.

Last night I was listening to some of the worship songs played in the IHOP prayer room and the first one linked below really touched me. Every time I play it I find myself weeping - there is such an anointing on the song and it deeply ministers to me. I am so grieved by my family, the fact that their busy schedules are robbing them of appreciating life and soaking in God's presence.

Song 1

Song 2

Plans to go overseas again

Yesterday I had a really great day with Angelina and mum, and then in the evening I rang up Julz and asked if she would like me to take Angelina overnight. When I rang her, she sounded really tired and angry and told me to go to her house straight away and drop Angelina off to Grunde. So I bundled our little princess into the car and dropped her home at about 7.30pm. When we came near the house, Angelina started crying and when Grunde took her from me said started howling "nooooo". I left feeling really heartbroken. She clearly loves me and didn't want to be with Grunde all alone. All kinds of negative thoughts flooded my mind about why that could be the case.

On the way home, Julz sent me a nasty text message blaming me for all the troubles she has with Angelina and it made me realise how distorted her perspective has become and how stressed and overworked she is. She doesn't realise I am blessing her child, sowing God's Word into her and offering Angelina peace and stability, such a stark contrast from what she is offering Angelina in leaving her with a dodgy guy who has no idea how to look after children and wearing herself out to get rich, while totally neglecting the precious children God has blessed her with. Julz is working 7.00am to 8.00pm four days a week and is a wreck on the days between her work days. It breaks my heart. I had forgotten how bad things were.

As I left I felt to pray in the Spirit and just cried all the way home. When I got home, I felt led to research the International House Of Prayer (IHOP) because it is filled with like-minded prayer warriors - people passionate about prayer and intercession. As I looked into the internships, my heart was just craving to do one. As I watched the video on the internships page, I just soaked in every second and imagined how amazing it would be to go there. I closed the page and thought about how much it would hurt mum and Julz if I left again and I thought about the impact on Angelina. My heart just wept.

Then I went to bed and realised how much my family have stood in my way of fulfilling my dreams and visions and walking in my ministry. I thought about how I had laid down my career three years ago to serve God and how hard that had been. I thought about every relationship I have withdrawn from because God told me to and because I loved God more than the guys and wanted to obey Him and fulfill His will in my life. I thought about my time in Mexico and how much I loved it. All night I tossed and turned and wept with a heavy heart.

This morning I planned to spend the whole day in prayer, but after an hour of praying in the Spirit God told me to go to the 10.30am service at VLC and as I sat there, I saw Ps Barb and God told me to go and see her. I told her about Mexico and how amazing it had been and I told her how dry and empty I feel now and how I don't know where I am headed. She said God told her to tell me to follow my heart. She asked what was in my heart and I told her about IHOP and how I dreamed of going there. She said that as I said that she felt the Holy Spirit saying to go. She told me to put aside my family's demands and move on with God. She pointed out that I am single, have no spouse, career, commitments, etc... holding me back and while I had the savings stored up, why not go. She said many people came to her with their plans and she felt an uneasiness within her about their plans, but not with me. She said she would love to come with me, that America is amazing and she knew I would love it. Her two sons are there and don't want to return to Australia. I know I need to follow God. I know I will find the like-minded people I've been needing in my life.

It bothers me that so many people in YWAM think I pray because I have a special call or something in that area. God's people are destroyed through lack of knowledge (Hosea 4:6). We are all called to prayer. It takes discipline and requires a lot of sacrifice for everyone. It's a choice we all need to make.

Later, I was going to catch up with Netty, but I felt God lead me to the Overflow Cafe to see Kristin. She is stirring up prayer meetings, praying in the Spirit on Wednesday nights at the cafe and having soaking sessions at her house. It was actually really awesome seeing her again and sharing the concerns in our hearts and the trials we have been through. I stayed for lunch and coffee and headed home feeling refreshed. I am working in the bookshop tonight with Netty.

New day

Well today is a beautiful spring day in Perth and I woke up and decided I am going to fast Facebook for a while and focus on God. So I grabbed some books, my Bible, elements for Communion and some breaky and headed to the park near my house with a picnic mat. Then I had two hours of God time. I needed that. One of the Scriptures that leapt out at me was James 1:5 which says that if any of you lack wisdom then you should ask God for it and He will give you wisdom liberally and w/o reproach. In Rick Renner's book called Sparkling Gems, it was saying that you may lack wisdom for your future, and that's exactly my situation! I have no idea where I'm headed now.

It is such a weird feeling being back in Perth and back living at my unit after six months absence. I am a little annoyed at Sarah because not only did she miss paying a week of rent and raked up $50 worth of mobile phone calls on my landline, but she also seems to have pinched a few things - like my three tupperware bowls, my shiny black work shoes, my blue star-shaped chopping board ... and Julz said the real estate company advised that she used quadruple the amount of water than I would use in the same period of time.

Gotta move on I guess. Life is too short for embracing offences.