Feeling awful

Didn't sleep much last night, despite having a sleeping pill. I was just feeling so numb after sharing my testimony and thinking about this season. Feeling like crap today. Am grateful for this old couple in my small group who live a couple of roads away. I am going to walk down to their house this morning and catch a ride with them to class. I just so desperately need some good friends. I'll take whoever i can get. These guys are in their 70s.

Funny thing is, there is one cat in the house called Teva and every day he now comes to me for a hug. It is really cute. If i was around my room, he will jump on the bed or the shelf or the desk to try and reach me, so he can climb onto me. He likes to put one arm on each side of my neck and just lavish me with love. Who ever though my best friend would be a cat! I can feel my neck getting al itchy now. Better take some anti-histamine.

Pure heart

So we had our first session of "Pure Heart" tonight - another hidden surprise in the internship package. I got put in a girl called Hurley's group. She is 31, single and really pretty. Everyone seems really quite broken, except maybe one chick Joni, whose parents are missionaries. I like her best, don't really know why.

Feeling really lonely in this new city and lifestyle. I'm just craving friendships and don't really know how or where to start. Just feel so alone. I blurted out my testimony and it actually felt quite good to get it out in front of the six chicks in my group. None are in my home group and so they are all new. Not feeling as great about sharing it with my home group. I just don't feel like i've bonded with anyone and i'm started to feel like our leader is really insensitive. Not sure how i am going to get through these six months. If I make it to three months it will be a miracle.

For some reason God has sent me to the other end of the earth and here I am, waiting to see why.

Freakiest-looking cat ever - a sphynx kitten

Household pets

Deers in my backyard and racoons on the back porch! What a life here in Kansas City

Challenges of being away

Been feeling so messed up this week, dunno why really. It could be numerous things I guess.

It really bothers me that Julz is now sharing things with Annette and asking her to not tell me. Annette sent me a message saying she thought I should know so I can pray, yet she wont tell me what it is exactly. How frustrating. I wish she hadn't even bothered to mention it.

Annette sent me a few messages saying she is now dating Kupa, a black guy who is 13 yrs younger who she was earlier concerned about because he was making comments about strangling her to death. I met him at the airport. Creepy as. It saddens me that she has dropped her standards to date such an idiot guy just because she was lonely.

Ok, then Julz emailed me to say she was so stressed and going to court soon and that Grunde had lost the calendar I specially bought for Angel to explain to her that I was going overseas and would return. All he had to do was pass it on to Kylie. How can he just lose it on the way. Urrrgggh ... then i sent an email to Tammy asking if she could possibly go and buy a replacement and mail it to Kylie and I would reimburse her - no response. She is the only one I thought i might be able to rely on :-(

Then mum sent an awful email attaching two recent news items, or rather devil's news items. Like I would really want to read them. Her comment was something like, here is something funny for you to watch and the video was of a woman who had overdosed on Stillknox and her baby was neglected and her house was trashed. How can this possibly be funny.

I realise my family is a total mess without me and here I am on the other side of the world not being able to see them.

At small group, we are required to give a 15-minute testimony of our lives and I just feel stressed out about it because people like Kristin and her mum enjoy telling complete strangers all about my life and get bits all wrong and I hate feeling judged by personal things they have shared without my permission before I have even met the person. Then, there's the issue of people wanting to dig further or supposedly help me out by giving me useless literature they think I need, but which doesn't minister to me at all.

Then I find out today that part of my internship, which I totally thought was doing hands-on practical ministry on the mission field, is actually doing an 8-week inner healing ministry course where we are paired up with someone and receive counselling from. Oh, what the heck have I got myself into?!?!?!? I so don't want to do it. Where it said I commit to an 8-week course, I said this was subject to change! How do I communicate that I am totally freaking out. I don't even want to go home because home is full of issues. So it's like I choose, home to issues or remain in a foreign country and face other issues which are just as deep. Ohhhhhhh, Lord, how did I get here!?!?!

Five fingers

Well I just bought some rather unusual shoes today called fivefinger shoes. They cost $100 US plus $10 US postage plus $7.73 US tax ... $117.73 total. Funny how they add tax onto it. I saw a guy at IHOP wearing some and curiosity got the better of me. I could not stop looking at his feet in the two prayer meetings I have been in. Mine are the ones most suited for trekking and they are blue, grey and yellow (see piccy). I actually wanted some different ones called Bikila LS, but my size was not available. Boo hoo The great thing is that i just rang up on the phone and paid for it on my mastercard. Gosh I really hope they're ok :-)

Victory over death

Met a girl today while on duty for the first time as an usher in the Global Prayer Room. She was crying so I went up to her, gave her some tissues and started praying for her. She started crying more, so I took her into the back room and there I met Stella (the lady who hooked me up with my current accommodation!). Anyways, this girl told me she was planning on ending her life. Boy that propelled me into prayer. I also started crying and told her God has so much more for her life. I told her how I had come all the way from Australia because God had told me to and I had only been in the country for less than one week.

Well the rest of my ushering time (over an hour) was spent ministering to this girl. After I sat her up front under the anointing, Misty Edwards began to sing and the song was just amazing. I watched this girl duck her head and cry. I asked the head usher if he would mind me sitting with her, and he said please do. So I went up to her and sat beside her and put my arm around her. She sobbed even more. I felt an ache in my heart for her. We both cried and cried and cried. Gosh, I just want so much for her to know God better.

I left with puffy eyes. I told Ryan and John from small group also. Gosh, what a shift!

1st party in KC and the Global Prayer Room

Went to a farewell party last night at Ondrea's house. It was for a korean lady who is returning to California. There were about 15 people, mainly koreans and they didn't speak much English. I wasn't bothered though. We all had a feast and then an American Jewish guy whose name is Christian Ezekiel told me his testimony and then started playing his guitar very loudly. Subsequently, he led us into a time of prayer and worship and singing in tongues. It was really powerful and fun. Then when I went to leave at 10.20pm, everyone stopped talking and stood up and came to the door to say g'bye. That was weird.

Prior to party, we had our first prayer room stint from 4pm to 6pm. It was amazing. The prayer room can be viewed online through the IHOP website or on GodTV! Each 24hr day is split into different sessions and each session run by totally different worship/prayer leaders, so it's worthwhile watching it at different times of the day to get a better feel for how the Global Prayer Room operates.

The anointing is really strong in the room and after a few minutes of sitting, I just felt this urge to kneel and start thanking and praising God for getting me there. Soon i found myself repenting of everything i could think of that may have grieved the Holy Spirit and I felt tears running down my face. Then I felt the Lord wanted me to repent of things that people in America had done that had also grieved the Holy Spirit and asking God for mercy for the people in this nation. I must have been sobbing for at least an hour. I had all sort of visions of broken and hurting Americans who were lost and in desperate need of God and I felt this desperation for them to be saved.

During the two hours I was there, the leaders at the prayer meeting were praying for revival in America and they put lots of different scriptures up on the screens for us to pray. After someone read a scripture, the worship team would erupt into an incredible time of intercession with each singer picking up different lines form the verse that had been read out and singing them. It was absolutely beautiful to listen to and see how well they all came together in unity in their worship. I've never heard anything quite like it. Then they had a time in which they invited us all to participate in a time of 10 to 15 second prayers into the microphone where we could pray for any city or state in America. I leapt at the opportunity. It was such a privilege to participate.

After that I just sang in tongues along with the worship team. I felt I learnt so much about prayer and being able to watch and listen to how people pray different scriptures and put them to music is incredible. I left the room feeling a strange sense of unity with the people in the room, despite knowing so few people, and as though we had achieved a lot in the short time i was there. I will be spending 25 hours a week in the prayer room on top of 25 hours of bible study time.

My sis and her partner went to church!!!

Now this is totally a miracle in itself. Julz and Grunde took Angel and Lars to church at VLC ... I would say today, but it is actually Monday now in Australia despite it being Sunday still in America. My friend snapped photos of them....

First day

Well my first day was challenging. Still suffering from jet lag, I did not sleep well last night. In fact at 1.30am I was wide awake so I got out of bed and had some time in prayer. I managed to get up at 7.30am. I deliberately left close to 9.00am cos I didn't want to get there early. However, after walking down and trying to find my class I discovered I was in the wrong place - my class was a 10 to 15 minute drive away and I had no car!!! I spoke to quite a few people until finally some couple agreed to drive me. I was about 20 minutes late, but thank goodness I made it. I was in a bit of a daze by the time I arrived and had missed the basic introductions. I had no idea that IHOP was so widely spread apart across a couple of suburbs!

I felt a bit stressed and overwhelmed all today and was wondering how on earth I would get to this regular class venue every morning seeing there is no public transport servicing my area and I have no car and the venue is not within walking or jogging distance. Even if it was, it would prove a challenge because the terrain is quite rugged and the weather has been cold and wet. Thankfully, God had a plan. At lunch time, I sat with a beautiful Korean girl, Liza, and she introduced me to a girl in her small group, Ondrea. Well it turns out that Ondrea lives in my street and only four houses away on the same side as me. She has a car and has to drive past my house in order to get to classes every day! I scummed a lift home and she said I can just walk down to her house every day and she will drive me to and from class cos it is actually no effort required on her behalf. Oh how good is God! Thank you Jesus.

I invited Ondrea in for a cup of ginger tea and to see the cats, seeing she loves animals and desperately wants a pet! How funny. She seems sweet. She is 27 (I think).

We have been put into small groups - my group is group two and my leaders are Zack and Lindsey. There is a Korean guy that kind of looks like me who I clicked with. His name is John Lee. He and his family come from Sydney. His parents seem lovely.

Was very tired by early afternoon and started half dozing. Praise the Lord I made it through the day. I got given a free book today called "Biblical Foundations of Eschatology" by David Sliker.

Gday from Kansas City

Well I'm really happy to say that I FINALLY made it to Kansas City after a pretty rough and LONG journey via five airports! I missed two of my flights, but fortunately was able to reschedule new flights and only made it three hours later than expected into my final destination. It took about 38 hours in total to get from Perth to Kansas City. I was in autopilot mode by about halfway through. The great thing though is that I met lots of really interesting people along the way and one girl from Kansas City even offered to take me out with her friends, which is really sweet.

The house I am renting a room in is breathtakingly beautiful. I have never lived in such an amazing house - it looks like a house out of an American movie and the back yard is essentially the woods with wild deer and cats roaming around freely. The suburb I live in is called "Grandview". The lady who owns this house (Barb) is in her 50s and a very beautiful woman of God who has never married but set her heart on serving God as a missionary. As you walk in the door, this sweet aroma hits you and you can feel a deep welcoming peace. Barb has put little scriptures everywhere around the house in all the rooms and the house is so obviously a house devoted to God and filled with His love. She has owned the house for six years and has decorated it so delightfully. There are three bedrooms, two bathrooms and then a basement which is in the process of being converted into an apartment. There are workmen at the house right now installing a new bathroom into the basement.

There are two other ladies in their 50s living here (one in the basement) and then eight cats! The cats are all indoor cats and roam about the house freely. All day and night you can hear these little scuffling noises and see eyes watching you. Quite an experience, that's for sure. I didn't think I would handle the cat hair so well, but i've got quite a stash of anti-histamine tablets close at hand just in case. The house is absolutely immaculate and spotlessly clean. Barb has a rather impressive collection of unfamiliar cleaning tools and a roster for keeping the house looking so perfect, so i'll be joining in on this arrangement soon :-)

Time for a breather

Well the last couple of weeks have been full-on and flat out. I never realised I had accumulated so much stuff over the two years I have lived here. I have sold lots of things, like my dining suite, lounge suite, shoes, clothes, shelves, cabinet, computer desk, and I have given lots away. Some of the stuff i have given away has included my:

• coffee table, shoe shelf, dinnerware, clothes, stationary, jewellery - to the church
• books, painting, kitchenware, perfume collection, cushions, bedspread, handbags, make-up, hats, picnic set - to Annette
• wigs and food - to Gill
• fitness gear - to Ps Judy
• loads of clothes and old suitcase - to various op shops
• paint pencils, cookie cutters - to Steph
• stickers, body-shop stuff - to Shelly
• thermos flask and apron - to Arien
• shoes - to mum

I don't miss any of it. What a waste on money over time that could have been spent on better things. I'm sure everyone in Western society could easily dig through their house full of junk and think the same.

Tonight I have been clearing out the kitchen, sorting through baby clothes and re-packing my suitcase. My hand-luggage (backpack) is ready to go. It weighs just less than 7kg. My suitcase is almost ready too - just a few more things.

Been feeling so overwhelmed and stressed. I think Julz thinks I will come back and return to living under her roof in this house. I just don't feel that's going to happen. I feel I am to let go of it all. I don't know why. I have to come back in October because my term deposits are going to be expiring and I need to lodge a tax return, however, I feel God has something else for me other than moving back here and going back to a regular job. I really have no idea.

The other morning God spoke to me and said the best days are yet to come and that He is good to those who love Him. He has great plans for me, plans to prosper me, to give me hope and future. He works for the good of those who love Him. I keep reminding myself of year ago when Andrew and I went to S'pore and this American guy with a prophetic ministry sang over me that everything was going to work out and that I would not lose anything. I let go of Andrew with the promise that God had someone better for me. That was half my life ago. All the great qualities Andrew had will be reflected in the guy God has chosen for me - he was so loyal and faithful. He loved me to bits. He thought I was absolutely beautiful and so did his family. Gosh, I never thought I would wait this long to meet him. I know he is coming soon.

Well again I feel I am making the biggest decision I have ever made - to obey God and follow His leading to the other side of the earth. I have to trust Him to look after the family He has placed me in - the ones that cause my heart to break so much. If I stop to think for too long, I get very sad in my heart. I have to remind myself of God's words to me -that He will perfect ALL that concerns me. Thank you Lord that my hand is in Your hand and Your other hand is on my family. Amen